Parenting is a delicate balancing act between guiding your child towards socially acceptable behavior and letting them learn from their own experiences. One of the most common dilemmas that parents face is teaching their children the concept of sharing. How do you react when your child refuses to share?

Do you make your child share? Is your child going to grow up to be selfish if you don’t? How do we teach them social skills, co-operation and empathy if we do not make them share? Or have we been conditioned to an extreme only to focus on these strengths. Let's dive into this topic and explore the different perspectives.

A Scenario: The Refusal to Share

Imagine this: You're at a playdate with your child. Everything is going well until your son wants to play with a toy that another child is currently using. The child refuses to share. At this moment, you're faced with a difficult decision - do you intervene and make the child share, or do you sit back and let the situation unfold on its own?

The Dilemma: Protect or Let Be?

As a parent, your instinct might be to protect your child and ensure that they're treated fairly. But is it right to make the other child share? This is where the dilemma lies. On one hand, you want to teach your child that sharing is a good thing. On the other hand, you don't want to impose on another child's right to use a toy they were playing with first.

The Fear: Fostering Selfishness?

Then the fear sets in. If you don’t enforce sharing, is your child going to grow up to be selfish? It's a common fear among parents, but it's important to remember that children are still learning. They're figuring out social norms and navigating complex emotions. Just because a child doesn't want to share a toy now doesn't mean they'll grow up to be selfish adults.

Personal Views: To Share or Not?

So, what's the solution? Do you make your child share? Personally, I believe it's important to guide children towards understanding the value of sharing. However, it's equally crucial to respect a child's right to use something they're currently engaged with. In other words, it's about teaching our children the value of patience and waiting for their turn.

What does not forcing to share teach the child?

When children are not forced or guided to share under the ‘quilt trip of being a bad child’ they learn something important: ownership and boundaries. Do you always want to share? Or do you share because you have become a people pleaser? Would you like to guide your child to know and respect their boundaries in a kind way authentically, without any quilt trip about it. I would say yes. 

With your support they also learn assertiveness, a confident way of communicating with kindness:

“Do you want to share?” 

-No, thank you for asking, I don’t at this time. 

How does that make you feel? If there are parts rising in you like: well, that is rude, that is too direct, that is too something.... I would want you to sit with those emotions and think again. 

Being assertive is all about kind and direct confidence. This same skill is needed when a child need to protect themselves from outside harm: peer pressure etc. 

When we guide our children in the sharing process, to ask for permission from others to share, and to make decisions to share or not to share (some situations like school setting etc. may not be negotiable, and the child will understand that in the process) we teach them autonomy, an understanding that they do have their own possessions (their body most importantly included) and they get to decided with whom they share their possessions and whom not in what situations. 

In conclusion, teaching children about sharing is not a black and white issue. It's about balance - respecting the rights of others while teaching our children about the value of sharing. Remember, parenting is a journey, and every situation is a learning opportunity for both you and your child.

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